Weblog

Monday, 25 February 2008

  • Impact

    Impact1The long wait is over. I finally got the result of that one thing I have been waiting all this time. Sad to say, It is not the outcome that I expected. At first I tried to play it cool when In fact I am really frustrated and disappointed. All this waiting just ended up into the trash can. The worst part is that I (We) have to go through same scenario before as if the first time is not enough and I need a second slap on my face. This is a double Whammy.  I wanted to put that bubble world again and escape reality. I wanted to go to that place where I cannot be hurt. I need a place where I can be numb from all this anxiety. Days passed and I (We) dealt with it like mature individuals. Yeah, this happened and there is really nothing much I can do about it. I cannot undo it. It is way beyond my control. Seeking alternative is what came into my mind. This is a moment in life when you have to be wise and crack your brain to find whatever decision has high probability of leading to the success result.

    I have been regularly going to Church asking God to help me. I have been praying really hard and I felt sad when my prayer was unanswered. For the first time in my life I questioned Him. I know I should not have done that and I am sorry. I am just desperate of the situation.

    Today is Sunday. I was invited to go to mass at 6pm and when we got there the mass has ended. Turned out, the mass is at 5pm. I sighed. Well maybe I am just not meant to attend the mass today. Coincidentally, there is a life night. We decided to stay and join the event. Admittedly, I was hesitant at first. I am used to these kinds of gathering at Church but I have to know what it is all about. If it will require me to speak up and share --- I'd rather not. Maybe because I am not ready to speak up and tell my story. Not at this point in time.

    Anyway, somebody got up and share her story. I saw a lot of teary-eyed individuals. No tear for Kate. What stroked me the most is the message --- Everything will happen in His time and not our time. My prayer was unanswered and I got disappointed. I guess it is my stubbornness at work. I am used to getting what I want all the time and that is the reason why I felt devastated. After the girl's testimony, we all got up and the band started playing. And guess what! We sang David's Song. Right then and there I knew why I am there. I am experiencing divine intervention. Well, that's what I wanted to believe. It's like I am attending another PREX seminar. I am actually having fun. More songs came and I am actually singing. Well, not at the top of my voice but It felt like home. I began imagining all my friends at the Church's Music Ministry and how we used to sing, dance and play instruments. I miss them. I miss how it was.

    When the time for reflection and prayer came, I excused myself. I needed a time alone. I got teary-eyed but I am smiling. I'm glad that I stayed. The feeling was overwhelming. I don't know for some people but for me, even that simple event reminded me of so many things --- of good times, friends and home.

    I am leaving for Winnipeg again tomorrow. I initially wanted to go back there just to escape the bad vibes these past days. I mean hearing the not-so-good news literally ruined my concentration. No worries though because I am OK and I will be OK. Believe  it or not,  I have not given up. I am just here waiting.

Friday, 22 February 2008

Friday, 15 February 2008

  • On Juno

    Simply satisfying, funny and witty. The subject on teenage pregnancy was delivered to the audience in a comedic but informative way. It talks about consequences and how to deal with it. I like it because compared to other films also having early pregnancy as a theme, Juno was able to think thoroughly, end up making a wise decision and stood by it. Likewise, It also showed the love and respect given by her parents. The movie is frank with conversations about love, sex, consequences and intelligent choices. This is a must-see for people of all ages. Bravo performance for Ellen Page. Plus the vampire song is nice =)

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

  • When It Rains, It Pours


    The_forgotten_x Suppressed emotions can only be set aside for a limited time. When the bubble burst, there is more to it than expected. For a time, everything looks fine because the mud spot is hidden somewhere. The minute after, the pull down to the road of sorrow will be uncontrollably fast. You will find yourself swirling along the spiral staircase trying to grab something to recover sanity but It is too late.

    I wore that grumpy face yesterday. I hated everyone. It is not a nice feeling because I feel everything. Sudden squirt of mixed emotions can lead to that Go-Away Face, headache and probably tears. I noticed different people and their stupidity when In fact I just want to do away in noticing myself. Dealing with my own demons is not easy and I still do not have the confidence to fight it. I remember swearing while walking around the mall finding something and hating that customer service lady at the counter. I had to wait for a long line just to buy prepaid credits and I was not able to get one because I am not patient enough. Oh yeah, I even screw up at work but did not care one bit.

    I am ok now. That is, after a chat, a phone call, a Prison break episode and lots of sleep. I am again clinging to that It will not be long assurance and deliverance is coming. Besides, there is nothing much I can do right now and It is too late to get out after I jumped into this decision. I used to be a fighter and I guess It is high time I become one again. Otherwise, depression will sink into me and I will end up messing my life. I do not want that.

    I hope I can find the answer to all the questions that are bugging me lately. I want to share some quotes from the book “The Alchemist”:

    • It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.
    • When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.
    • Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You have got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.
    • Every search begins with beginners luck and ends with the victor being severely tested.
    • When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there is no need at all to understand what is happening, because everything happens within you.

    So I just tell myself, “Kate this is just a journey”.

Tuesday, 05 February 2008

  • On Friends

    Girlfriends_1


    People come and go. Some may have stayed due to uncontrollable circumstances. Some just left without even saying goodbye. Others might be long gone and you did not even noticed. It is a cycle. You meet some, you lose some. There are different faces everyday, exchanges of names, likes, dislikes and interests but it is very difficult to keep all of them closeby. One by one they disappear. Similar to the air on winter nights, they just passed by leaving you touched and clueless.

    Goodbyes are easy to say to those you will bump again the soonest. It is more of a See Yah Later than a Goodbye. However, permanently bidding farewell is hard if that person is someone you have grown fond of. Will you be able to take the pain of knowing that the person whom you cared about have totally forgotten you? Or is doing the effort to do so? Lovers, for instance, that decided to part ways will do crazy things to move on. Or maybe just to let the other side knows that the moving on phase is about to start. I say it is pathetic. Do all the effort and believe me, It will make you remember more. Eventually, you will just feel sad and doubt your decision. Disregarding someone that you treated up the pedestal is not easy. Just like wounds, It heals with time. There are also acquaintances that advanced to the friendship level and yet in the end decides to be a passerby. Vulnerability comes when someone decides to open up to another person. It means you give them right to access your emotions and do something that can affect you. Remember that at times the less you know about a person, the less probability you can hurt him/her. Sure, you sit with someone at lunch, tell them your name and eventually finds out that you have same interests, you may have common friends and may have gone to the same school. The talk can be nonstop and the possibilities are endless. Soon you may find yourself having more lunch and spending more time with that person. You create a relationship. It may not be romantic but it can be. Then there is that big STOP sign. Everything disappeared the same thing as everything came so abruptly. It is just not meant to be. What to do? Even if the shoe fits perfectly well maybe the color doesn’t suit you. You have 2 choices; either you stay with your old one or find another shoe style.

    On the contrary, people who stayed with you all throughout may sometimes be taken for granted. Why? Because they are just there. You can mess up with them but they are still there. They have accepted your flaws and love you for whatever you are and whatever you will be. It is hard to find people whom you can call your friends after you exposed your stupidity and the evil within you. I guess true friends only see the gem inside of us. Either they ignore the bad side, deal with it or they are worse. =)

    *Mistakes are easier to live with when we know we are not alone.